I don't know who you are. I don't know what kind of living hell you have to wake up to every day. I don't know exactly how you feel. BUT, what I do know is that you will find happier days.
However, self-loathing isn't something that we are born with. It is not possible. The newborn brain lacks this capacity. Yet as we grow up, many of us tend to develop self-loathing thoughts, if for no other reason than as coping mechanisms.
Too often, people brutally judge and attack themselves. Incessant negative beliefs about oneself may be called self-loathing, self-judgment, self-attack, or low self-esteem , but it all boils down to one menacing problem: self-hatred. At its most extreme, self-hatred can lead people to retreat into substance use, suicidal and other self-destructive behaviors, or violence toward others. If you beat up on yourself, are disgusted with yourself, or in any other way experience the effects of self-hatred, there are two important things to know: why the self-hatred exists, and what you can do about it. Self-hatred almost always stems from childhood.
The first time Faith-Ann Bishop cut herself, she was in eighth grade. It was 2 in the morning, and as her parents slept, she sat on the edge of the tub at her home outside Bangor, Maine, with a metal clip from a pen in her hand. Then she sliced into the soft skin near her ribs.